| Drive North |
[Mar. 27th, 2007|08:47 pm] |
Once before I came to college, I went on a trip to the very tip of Maine. Where there are more moose than people, and more people drive four wheelers than cars. I remember the drive; we started out in Nashua, New Hampshire, stuck in sweltering summer traffic. The scorching sun making the road so hot it seemed to be screaming, and shimmering at the same time. The day was abnormally hot, or at least it seems like it now. We slowly made our way to the border of Maine, driving up the Everite turnpike and then down to Route 101 and the border of Maine. We crossed the huge bridge with hundreds of other people who were in front of or behind us. Its funny to think of what the people in the cars are doing, looking at the people and trying to guess where they were going. Looking back they would not of had a hard time guessing what we were about to do.
With a whole procession of cars, canoes strapped to the roof, gear hanging off the back of trucks, the yellow water proof bags shining brightly in the now noon sun. As we crossed the river to Maine I looked to my right and saw the sunken mass of a once noble ship, stopped and dead in the river that separates our two states. I could only hope I wouldn't end up like that boat sunken somewhere, devoid of life or movement. I feared being trapped under the water, staying there unmoving. My foot caught between some unseen rocks that have been waiting all eternity for my foot to catch in their grasp. Maybe, it would be a downed tree that catches me, straining the water with its branches, to be caught down there, held by the dark water. Or something else entirely maybe i would be trapped in life at some point, stuck in a place I don't want to be, a bad job, something unforeseen. As we drove on I thought about my life, and what it was that I wanted to do when all my summers of youth had past, when I had to get serous and do what it is that I'm supposed to be doing.
The further we drove in Maine the less and less people we saw. We took one of our final stops in Kittery Maine, where they have a large trading post. You could get anything you could possibly need there, everything from a hat to a 12 gage. As we drove deeper the roads narrowed, and we passed through rural farming towns. The long grass of summer stood still in the hot, late after noon heat, and i remember watching it for hours as we passed it by. Around six we came to what seemed the end of the world, nothing the road just stopped. The dwindling road petered out and became a small dirt path, probably not wide enough for two cars to pass each other. Not that it matters because your very unlikely to see a car coming at you down these roads. We later learned they were logging roads. As we barreled down them, huge clouds of dust drifted into the evening air, and i tried to imagine what it would have been like one hundred years ago, when the demand of wood had stripped every inch of northern Maine of any trees. There are pictures somewhere, but we didn't stop to see them. In my mind I imagined that it looked like the moon, just with water and a lot of stumps. I imagined being on one of those last logging trucks that came back from the northern forests probably by the same route we took now, they must have been sad, seeing what they had done to the forests that once stood there. To drive for hours, through fields of nothing-ness.
The view was different now. The tress stood taller than the sky, and nature seemed to be in charge of everything. We saw a hand full of bald eagles, moose, deer, and bear. I found it hard to think that there had been no trees there at some point. The roads seemed to run out forever in that forest, dirt and rock, dust and sand. I felt like i was traveling back in time. When we finally arrived in Alagash Maine, a town with a population of around two hundred people, we were greeted by the owner of the cabin we were staying in. He had a big beard and wore flannel. He looked like a bear, and he told us that he also trapped bear, which explained the awful stench all around the place, which he told us was bear bait, or basically rotting meat.
As we sat and watched the sun sink from the porch of the cabin, the whole world seemed to come alive, all the nocturnal animals waking up from their slumber during the day. The sounds were erie, scraping of branches, clawing at trees, the sound of small feet running against the dry ground, little leaves and pine needles cracking and shifting under their feet.
The sun was fully set, and the big round moon had taken its place high up above in the sky, it was late now and i was alone, walking amongst the pines, in the woods of Maine. I was a little scared of being attacked by some large animal that i imagined lurking behind every tree, in the shadows, unseen but watching. Eventually i walked to a river, the st lawerance, it was huge, and i was surprised to find it. It was strange to think that there was something north of here, that there were people there. I couldn't see how it was possible, I thought i had reached the end of the civilized world. Sitting by the side of the river, i saw something movie on the opposite bank, it was a moose, just standing there, eating the grasses from the river bed, the beads of water gleaming in the moon light as they fell from its head and ears. I watched the drops for awhile, as the animal kept going back for more grass, it reminded me of a story i was told about Buddhism. A drop of water, tossed up into the air by fate, will aways return to the ocean, where it has been before, and where it will be again. I thought of my own life. Was i just a drop of water, beading and glimmering on a moonlit summer's night, only to fall back in with the rest after a short second? Was that all i had?
Something jumped, snapping twigs behind me causing me to jump from my thoughts, and trip on the rocks that surrounded me. I lay on the rocks, shifting from face down, where i had fallen, to lying on my back, staring at the stars and moon, I had never seen them so clearly in my entire life, it seemed like they had some how multiplied since that last time i looked at them. The sky was huge, and the lack of pollution from lights and in the air made each and every star seem ten times brighter. I laid on the ground by the river, just watching the sky for any sign of life. Hoping every shooting star was a flying saucer. Who knows, maybe they are. The moose i had been watching looked at me, for a second, our eyes made contact, or at least i thought they did (it seemed meaningful). I knew at that moment that i was no better than the animal on the other side of the river. At that second the massive moose, with its head reflecting the moons light so it seemed lit by an aura, could have killed me, stepped on me, charged me. It did not however, and simply slipped back into the woods that stood directly behind it, tress as tall as I had ever seen, but still young. |
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| written in 15 minuites at 5:15 in the morning. (not compleat) |
[Mar. 8th, 2007|09:27 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the books | ] |
Model for a Hypothetical new American Government
A governing body should exist to ensure the rights of all citizens that are held by its power. Our current democracy works well but has never been changed in the last two hundred and fifty years. A more perfect governing system should be a constant aspiration no matter how perfect the system is there is aways room for improvement. Our current government is a function of state verses federal power, where federal law trumps any stat law. Our government at a federal level is flawed, in that it encourages carrier politicians, endorses bribes, in the form of campaign donations to candidates. Many of those who should be fighting for our rights and best interest are only fighting for a bigger pay check. There is no way to remove money form the equation, but I feel that we could shape our government to be more fair and balanced. I believe that if we rethought how the various branches of our government functioned we could remove much of the corruption there in.
The executive branch, is most in need of attention, because the entire branch is controlled by a president elect and cabinet members of his choosing. This is the weakest branch of our government and the branch that is most susceptible to corruption. The executive branch has had a long history of white collar crime in the past and I feel that we should eliminate the position of president in our society. In place of a president elect and his chosen members their should be another ruling body that consists of nine delegates from the various districts, i believe by removing presidential preference, and the risk that comes with having one person to represent millions to the world is truly foolish. While removing this one overarching political figure would slow down our overall reaction time in cases where it is imperative to make quick decisions, i believe that we would make decisions of national concern with relative haste.
To do this each branch would elect one person to represent their compatriots. These three members, representing each branch of the government, would then be given complete control of the budget and military and all other decisions that directly relate to the issue that need to be dealt with in a timely manner. While these representatives would have complete control of all the pertinent factors in dealing with factors concerning the issue they were elected to resolve in a quicker manner than house wide debates. While this ruling oligarchy was in charge of dealing with the situation they were elected to deal with, all other aspects of government would be left to the remaining members of each branch. After thirty days in power, the status of the ruling oligarchy would have to be reviewed by each branch, with a simple majority of branches (2 vs. 1, is acceptable in this case), in their favor they remain in control of their appointed situation for an additional 30 days repeating this process until there purpose is felt by a majority of the branches to be fully resolved, at which point they are stripped of their additional powers and return to the positions they were elected by the public to fill. In resolving cerises in this manner we would be safe from the corruption that abslout power brings, the ruling oligarchy would have to vote amongst them selves and makes decisions based on the will of the majority.
I feel in distributing federal power in this manner we can reduce the amount of power any one individual can obtain and we can keep out the corruption that is rampant in our current governmental model. There are no changes, that I feel are necessary, to make the House of representatives, senate, and the judicial branch more checked than they already are. While removing the figurehead of our current administration would substantially reduce the effectiveness of the federal overarching government.
To counteract the decrease in speed of decision making at a federal level, that a government ruled completely by three different elected bodies of representatives would bring, it is necessary to take most of the power and redistribute it to state level governments. Allowing the state government to make almost all decisions that would directly effect its citizens. The federal government would simply act as a means to link all the states centrally, resolve inter-state disputes, and organize military forces in time of war. (sorta stopped here i guess) |
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| Short story, shameless rip off in the style of "Perks" with a few of my own expierences mixed in |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|04:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | blond redhead | ] |
How to loose a life
Letter I
Dear Friend,
I'm writing because i have so much to say, and no one to talk too, i will never tell you who i am and you wont ever find out, all i ask is that you listen to what i have to say because everyone else has gone def to my screams. Im writing because i have hit hard times in my life, ive hit the bottom but im climbing up again, i just need a kind ear. All of the people who once knew me would never accept me back after what i have done. After all of my lies and abuse. So i turn to you.
Now if your ready ill begin, my adult life started on the 2nd month of my 17th year, i was skating behind my school on a hot summer day, the sky was blue and little specks of dust glinted as they reflected beams of sun, the glitter shifted and floated in the tiny currents of air that existed on that still summers day. My friend Tedd was transfixed by their random movement, he stopped and stared for what seemed to be hours, as i patiently waited for my turn to bring the dirty looking joint we were smoking to my chapped lips. It was a transfixing afternoon, one of the ones that you remember, the sky turns bright orange and lights up like a thousand candles just beyond the horizon.
Im almost 19 now, and i have to asked myself, how would it be different, how would i be now, would i have a lover, would i be in college, would my family talk to me, love me, would i be writing to you? I am writing to you so i know it must have happened.
I loved a girl once, she was beautiful, skin like that of a ripened peach, the color of the sand beneath my feet, so soft and perfect, her hair was black as a moonless night in winter, her eyes were like soft pools of dark mystery that floated in her head, shifting and changing with her every thought, she was the most beautiful girl that had ever graced my presence. I loved her and i would like to imagine that she loved me. I can only guess she would still embrace me in her tender caress if only i could have been different, if only i could see how it would end.
I have lost her forever, i have destroyed everything that was between us with lines of white bliss and needles filled with the extract of heaven it self. She left me and i did not care that she went, she never wanted me to do these thing but i could not stop, they became my reason for living as she had been only months before, when she left all i knew was that i was empty and i tried to fill that emptiness with more and more substances until one day i awoke in a hospital the white light blinded my eyes and i could not move i had been strapped down, i had over-dosed, pain jetted through my ever limb and my thoughts were so distorted that my thoughts seemed to be ebbing and flowing before my eyes, telling me contradicting thins. She had found me and brought me to the hospital, she had left a note, which read "do not try to find me, not now not ever". From that day on i haven't touched any of the vial substance that put me in that hospital, that separated me from my love, that cause that note to exist.
I write to you know not knowing who you are, but just to let my story be heard, for i feel i might explode and turn back down that dark path. Thank you for your kind ear.
Sincerely,
a friend
Letter II
The response
Dear Friend,
I received your letter, and i would be happy to listen to all that you have to say, i don't know if your aware of who i am, but i too was young once, and i too made many mistakes in my day.
When i was young I had, a love, my first love, he was my world, his arms were strong like the branches of oak, sinews of muscles twisted underneath, his hair was blond and long like the grasses of a field in the twilight of a warm fall day, and his eyes were blue, filled with all the light of the clear sky in summer, filled with hope and wonder, I loved him with all my heart, and he loved me back. I was 17 he was 18. There was a magic to that summer like none that i had ever experienced, and never would experience again until my dying day, which is drawing closer with each day that passes. In the fall that followed things got my complicated and I never full recovered form the things that i did to others and myself.
It was the end of summer and the leaves were still green, but you could tell by looking at their listless forms, that they were dying, and would eventually succumb to gravity which had been constantly tugging at them since the previous spring. Looking up through those leaves i could see darkening blue black sky, the sun had set and the moon was bright and full. I was not with the man i loved that night, i was with another friend of mine who would eventual become the cause of all of my troubles. Looking at him that night i could almost feel my end in the stillness that hung between us, he was very attractive but i did not love him. We walked in the woods for many long hours, in a stark silence that I thought meant something at the time, but which turned out to be nothing more that the chattering of chipmunks in the trees over our heads. The sun was down and the sky was black hung with thousands of brightly shining stars that twinkled at us from around the halo of the full harvest moon. That night he kissed me under those same stars, by a small brook that reflected the dancing light of the moon in its shallow ripples. Everything was still that night and i felt it was perfect, i forgot my world, my love and submitted to his body and on that warm night, a night i could never return from.
Nine months later i was in a hospital, where the product of his love was forcing it self out of me. The man that i had truly loved could not accept this i had told him i was virginal, that i wanted to wait until i was married, and i meant every word i had said to him He could not bear this truth however and he left one night, without a trace, vanished off in the distance of a winters night, stark and cold, all that was left was a trail of dust, and an emptiness that i could never replace. Even my child brought me no happiness, only sadness, for i had to bury my new born babe only a few days after he came into this world still and cold.
Don't accept what is lost, go and find the one you love because in truth they might just be waiting for you. I made this mistake and paid for it all my life.
A few days ago i received a call from a man who's voice was week, but just barely recognizable as a voice that i had been longing to hear all my life. My hands trembled as i held the receiver to my ear, unable to speak, i could tell he was dying be his raspy voice, what he was saying were word that i never expected to hear, he repeated these words twice and that was all he said. "i aways loved you" and then i heard the sound of the phone hitting the floor and the line went dead.
Sincerely,
a friend. |
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| My weekend in the form of 5 haikus |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|03:49 pm] |
Fucking type-writer.
Sean Kolb
Send them back.
(on the faults of love, or lack there of)
Wet hair frozen cold,
tears cover sweat roll off your face,
equally damaged, returned.
Kelly watch the stairs.
(drunk at 6am)
Reflect moon light night,
shiny hair shrouds face in darkness,
stumble on unseen.
Ode to Metalopolis.
(Chris Baril's fucking metal rat)
Death metal rat attack!
Scurry scrape scratch run to the next,
get out of my pants.
Play bass.
(learning to play bass)
Dark sound vibrate light,
thumb here push here pluck pluck pluck,
metal sinew over wood.
Mummified.
(death)
Today will end soon,
the night creeps to your side,
wrap in cloth dead flesh. |
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| Some thoughts |
[Jan. 24th, 2007|01:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | TV on the Radio | ] |
You only want what you cant have, so i am told, and i think its true. So im going to take this advice and move on.
Also some people are fickel wanting one thing with all thier heart for about 30 seconds, then compleatly abandoing that thing only to pick it up time and time again. Eventual the thing gets too dammaged from being dropped unexpectedly all the time and breaks apart, this i dont want to happen to me. So i need to learn a lesson i should have learned the last time i was dropped and get over it and get away from it.
And all the while i cant help but wonder if she misses me, i would guess she really dosent, but i would like to think she misses me.
peace,
sean |
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| soo... |
[Nov. 8th, 2006|04:01 pm] |
im trying to quit smoking, i went for a run, worked out to try and forget about it. running really helps. Im so edgy tho, i feeel likkkeeee im going to explode, but its allright.
love,
sean |
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| such is life |
[Oct. 29th, 2006|05:55 pm] |
soo, i have posted alot but said nothing i the last few weeks. I feel its time for an actual post, a summation of my life for all of you to read. I got bach togather with Haley a few weeks ago and its very good, i missed her so much. Im really glad were back togather. Today is the first day of darkness however, and it is so dark, im tired, my head is all mixed up by this change in time, short days little sun, it kills me, all i want is to sit by a fire and slowly watch it burn. I have decided to take school serously, not to blow it off or put it off, i plan to make somthing of my life. I want to do well even if what i do is not nessicarily what i had planned on. On the other hand i feel too serous and want to let loose and expiernece every thing, i feel if i dont now i never will, weather thats true or not is entirly up to me tho. I miss alot of people, i miss haley, emma, rachel, megan, kathy, nate, ryan, and everyone else. I see some of them often but feel detached. I desperatly need somthing to happen, this lack of light has got me down. Life is good, i have everything i could possibly want, everything i wished i had. All and all i am happy.
love,
sean |
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| more stuff |
[Oct. 25th, 2006|06:40 pm] |
walk in a stright line,
sunrise till sunset
walk with crocked gait,
thick forest stars beset
walk in desert heat,
mouth dry grit and sand
walk to waters running deep,
dancing reflections of land
dancing in the dark,
sing songs dogs bark
dancing in colored light,
eyes wide peeling bark
the flames dance and die,
in the blinking of my eye
women wept and children cry,
a speck of dust in my eye
dust in lines,
through a straw
sickness of mind,
nostrel red and raw
electrick spark,
dancing blue then gone
eyelash flutter,
deep blue from here on
once brown and dull,
leaves withered and crushed
white now as a gull,
fly over the sea unrushed
no inspiration,
falling from on high
who am i to think,
im more than just a guy
walk slow take your time,
keep clean and dry
the fastest way is falling,
drenched in poision youll die |
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| are theses haikus? |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|08:02 pm] |
wax flows from your heart:
wax flows and freezes,
burning my fingers
i hold it up to the flame,
for a moment it lingers
the chase:
so many to choose,
i am the only one
you packed alone,
but were on the run
ill follow:
the trail to steep,
the path to narrow
run in the dark,
strigh; swift as an arrow
untitled:
dark brown hair,
velvity brown eyes
bleached blond hair,
deep blue eyes
gates of heaven:
shoes worn down,
souls stretched thin,
why do we think,
we could possibly get in
final thoughts:
this is all i have,
last drag sucked in
the embers are burned out,
red glow small as a pin
after the end:
but somtimes i do,
when the pain is too much
for i miss you,
tongue forever numb |
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| my doorm room is my sanctuary |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|07:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | american analog set | ] |
my space in this place is my own,
a sign reads abandon all hope ye who enter,
thats a lie that i wont make my own,
a candle burns on my desk music plays in my heart,
drumming to a beat which is my own,
the image of a girl lost and found,
she watches awalys a love our own,
the fan switches off sluggish heat warms the room,
we could be warm with a heat all our own,
dusk turns to night leaves gather without light,
we have a place all our own,
in a heart all our own,
all that is known,
and all we own, |
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| im done |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|08:48 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | modest mouse - barron von bulshit rides again | ] |
my shcool week is over last night i was up intill 1 am working on a lab that i started at 6 and worked on for 7 stright hours. It ended up being 14 pages long which is fucking rediculous.
Anway, its now time for the weekend, which i cant wait for. I get to see Haley, and then most of my other friends at garretts party. Yay!! I was origionaly supposed to go as a club kid, but im going as eli chash from the royal tenimbaums, which is what i really wanted to be, i just have to bleach my hair blond... and buy a leather jacket with tassels and a cowboy hat.
Life has been good the past couple weeks.
love,
sean |
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| weekend |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|11:59 pm] |
life *sigh* its awalys suprising you. I love suprises tho, so i guess its allright.
boston tomarrow!! by myself, probibly gona be boring.
boston sat!! with haley, to see xiu xiu!! its going to be fun!! |
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| heyy kids |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|02:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bat cave | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the backseat - oh no, oh my! | ] |
my shirts came!! Not that you even know what im talking about, the inportant part is that it makes me happy i guess.
so anway, it appears that i am a fleeting thought to some people, but what can i do? nothing, and ill choose to do nothing about it, until it all works out in the end, whatever that end may be im sure it will be pretty good. I am happy with new old possiblilitys that have presented them selves, and the prospect of making up. Not to soon tho, people need time, of that im sure, but some day, some day in the sun, probibly sooner rather than later as well.
what? you couldent follow that? i thought i was clear haha. of course you couldent, oh well.
life is good, im going to try and keep it that way, or at least pretend.
love awalys,
sean |
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| what? please dont ask me. |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|05:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dorm room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | my morning jacket | ] |
what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what,
my heart knows what it wants, my mind is split down the middle, i want a ciggeret, also how did this happen all at once, fate perhaps, seems likely. What do i do though, how do i proceed from here with out brigin all this down around me and smothering myself? Im not sure, i guess i just have to follow my heart, i never forgot about my first, but my second just ended befor it even began, and i dont kno how i feel, i feel confused, i kno what i will do, i kno what i want. So my decision is to follow my heart and see where it leads. i needed to write this all out to make sence of it, im not sure anyone else will understand who and what im talking about unless you really kno me.
anway, i guess i had a bad, turned suprisingly good and unexpected weekend.
love,
sean |
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| stars of track and field |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|01:35 am] |
But when shes on her back
She had the knowledge
To get her into college
But when shes on her back
She had the knowledge
oh life, oh beautifull life.
love,
sean |
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| so |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|07:14 pm] |
ive decided that once again drugs are no good, after some interesting expirences, and strange nights, that turned to day befor even 5 minuites seemed to pass.
im tired, im tired,
but im gona love you anway
some of you should come visit me, cause you havent yet, and probibly wont either because youve forgottem me or you flat out just dont care enough.
love/hate,
sean |
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| 1:15 am wednesday morning |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|01:16 am] |
all my roomates are hoplessly drunk, this place looks like the apartment from trainspotting, a junkie den of filth. trash everware, the tv on, with nothing on it. crackers and crushed chip cover the floor, along with empty wrappers and other food debris, shot glases, empty 40oz's. The room reeks of stale alchol and rotting food. this is beautiful, if anyone saw this place they would think somthing ugly had happened here.
there not ready for sleep yet, eyes red, stumbling, screming, this place is angry, bad feelings here. i need to go smoke, maby then they will be gone. |
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| finally |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|07:50 pm] |
i just sat under a street lamp smoking cloves, and reading. There was another kid sitting on the bench across from me. we never talked for the whole hour and a half i sat there.
and for the first time in a really long time i feel good with out anything but my own mind and my thoughts. no drugs, no alchol, no people, just me. peace, nothing can hurt me tonight.
love,
sean |
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